Session 04 - Comfort
Sometimes, I'll see something that's just... really cute/happy/wholesome with a pastel vibe to it, especially a character design / character ref or a doll or something, and it'll make me... sad. I'll look at it and think "aw, that's cute, it's a happy picture" and a part of my mind will immediately try to balance that shit out. I end up just... remembering the concept of physical and emotional pain, like some sort of looming shadow of something to come. Then, I'll look at myself. Times I've cuddled up, felt warm, comfortable, happy as a child and then contrast that with some of the shittier shit that's happened in my life, and I just feel awful. It's very hard for me to put into words. I'll look at it and think, "That's sweet. That's lovely. They're in the moment. They don't know what's going to come in the future. Nothing lasts forever. They are going to be hurt, feel broken and helpless, and this moment will be long gone." I've been in therapy, on and off, for years and yet... I'm not sure why I've never brought this up with a therapist. I really should, but like... It never really crossed my mind until now. My therapist moved to another office a few months ago, but refused to tell me where. She said she was against stealing clientele from her old office - I was welcome to follow her to her new one, but I'd have to figure out which one it was on my own. I've... always been made sad by weird things. When I was a kid, the song "you are my sunshine" was a surefire way to make me cry - even now, it upsets me, the idea of being pulled away from a loved one. "Please, don't take my sunshine away." Fuck, dude. Now I'm a 25 year old man, turning 26 in March, and I'm tearing up at these thoughts that I'm giving myself. I just kind of... want to be held. Comforted by somebody I know and love and trust. Kind of a shame the rest of the house has already went to bed - otherwise, I'd be venting all of this to my mother right now.